Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
