Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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