Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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