The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
