Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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