We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
