you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
