I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
