that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
