Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
