remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Randomize
