Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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