Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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