Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
