Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
