Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
