what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
