I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
