dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
