Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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