i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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