God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
