I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
