Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
