she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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