I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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