I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ttyl tear gas
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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