dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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