when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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