Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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