I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
