I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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