Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize