I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
