1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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