I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
