Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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