i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How's work?
Spinning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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