community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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