It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
