I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize