Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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