My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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