I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
