I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
