life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
