Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
