you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
