I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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