I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
