we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
