I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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