Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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