Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
