An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
