John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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