i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
