in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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