Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
