I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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