1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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