the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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