We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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