I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
